5. INDIVIDUATION-ASSERTION RELATIONSHIPS. These relationships are based on the assertion of each person's wants and needs, and on respect for the other person's
process of personal growth. Often they are focused on partners' struggles with what is missing or lacking in terms of self-discovery, becoming whole, and developing their potentialities. They require each person's acknowledgment and appreciation of their differences.

For many couples, in the nineteen-eighties and -nineties this pattern took the place of the acceptance relationship as an ideal. It includes elements of an acceptance relationship, but the roles are more flexible and the boundaries more permeable. Partners actively encourage each others' creativity and growth in new directions, and encourage the partner to
pursue personal interests with which they themselves have little connection. On vacation, if they have three weeks, they may do separate things for a week, then get together for the final two.

Partners in these relationships tend to appreciate differentness, thereby opening up the range of people that they can connect with. Although the partners often look very different on the outside, on the inside their processes for handling conflicts and problems may be similar.

The "working through" process in these relationships demands an ability to tolerate ambiguities. As partners develop goals and resolve problems, they need to have enough flexibility to deal with issues without getting locked into their "positions." They need to be open to finding new solutions rather than holding onto some fixed, and often unstated, concept of how things should be. It's not a major issue when one person doesn't want to follow an old program, such as what to do on Easter. They're willing to wait and discover how their feelings evolve rather than program most goals in advance.

For some couples in other forms of relationships, it's easier to move into an acceptance relationship, while for others it's easier to move into an individuation/assertion relationship. In a scripted relationship where partners have very different interests but genuinely care for each other, loosening the role expectations and creating space for each person to follow his or her own pursuits is one way to step out of chronic power struggles.