reflection

it keeps me from going far from the center

Wow. This is life.

I can feel the pulse through my veins.

Confronting imperfections.
Wrongs.
Past mistakes.
That never seem to go away.

I am walking on a better path.
It is a path of resistance.
Difficult, laborious, requiring all of me, and the nearness or end is not clear.

It surfaces itself again.
I can see it.
Remember it.
And am reminded of it.

I push on.
Towards the light.
Illuminating the darkness in my heart.
Leaving behind the past, disconnecting from the things I have done, and letting it push me forward.

I must be honest with myself.
I have done wrong.

I have the courage to confront my flaws.
And the courage to change them.

There is always the risk of being judged for what I have done.
I have done wrong.

I must struggle on to live out who I am in its purity.
Until there is less struggle.

With reclaimed values, I live on.
I live on.

Tonight

I can sleep.

Healing

A compilation of things that get me back to the center:

1. Hip-hop music
2. Conversations with mom
3. Confessing and repenting
4. Holding onto those precious to me, expressing my love for them
5. Taking life slowly, absorbing, and responding as necessary
6. Reflecting***

My confession

These past six months have been my party phase. I have stretched my boundaries, lost boundaries, declined in my moral integrity, made poor judgments, let myself make mistakes, hurt others, abandoned my values. I acknowledge that and on this day vow to move forward.

I shall enter a new phase of growth, maturity, responsibility, and womanhood unlike any before. I shall cling to and maintain my values. I shall learn better in what I let into my life. I shall learn better in what I give. I shall learn better in what I let out of my life. I shall learn to live in a healthier, balanced, and more fulfilling way. I shall learn greater how to love.

Thank you for those who have been with me these past six months, and rather, these past two years. I have experienced and grown a lot. Thank you for your support, for learning with me, for teaching me, and for being with me. You have all affected my life. I hope to only do the same in a positive way for you.

I am sorry to those who have I have disappointed, hurt, and mistreated. I hope you can heal quickly and use what I have done wrong to push you forward in life. I hope we can be friends if you see that as beneficial for both of us.

I am using my past to push me forward in life. I am ready for a new season. With a spirit of reconciliation, gained experiences and lessons learned, and renewed commitment, I am moving forward.

Thank you for caring.

a facet of childhood

Sadness in the gut when people have to leave.

conversations with Mom...

are cleansing.

I am sorry to everyone I have hurt recently. I hope I can love you right.

Here's to a new growth.

-Jessica Baltmanas