Saturday, September 28, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
Emmons also strongly recommends a variety of stress management techniques, such as learning meditation to self-regulate thoughts, called mindfulness.
“People with recurring depression tend to get triggered very quickly -- almost like a track is laid down, a slippery slope,” he says. “It pays to put some real effort into learning to recognize this immediately and to learn ways to steady yourself.”
“People with recurring depression tend to get triggered very quickly -- almost like a track is laid down, a slippery slope,” he says. “It pays to put some real effort into learning to recognize this immediately and to learn ways to steady yourself.”
Thursday, September 19, 2013
3 Ways We Sabotage Ourselves + How To Stop
Most of us feel stuck at one time or another. Life isn't looking like the picture we had in our head, things aren't flowing, and frustration and despair set in.
Of course, this only compounds the problem, because when you're feeling listless, discouraged and depressed, it's very hard to get motivated. Feeling paralyzed is awful, and doubting your ability to live a life that feels good can be a very isolating experience.
Here are three ways people tend to block themselves, along with three ways to drop-kick those blocks across your path so you can get moving again.
1. We compare ourselves to others.
Many people look around and feel "less than." They see a peer who somehow seems to be living a life where things come easily, and they wonder why they aren't getting the breaks. Or they elevate other people and think, I could never do that because I'm not as outgoing, or attractive, or [fill-in-the-blank].
We live in interesting times where much of our interaction takes place over the internet. It's easy to feel like everyone else has this glossy, perfect life when you base it on status updates, pithy tweets or hazy Instagram pictures. Everyone suffers and everyone struggles. Most people just don't post about it. I'm questioning my ability to have an impact on the world around me. or I'm wondering what I'm doing here. or I feel alone in a world that doesn't make sense to me.
Most people are not going to post that.
The more we focus on what other people are doing or having or being, the less energy we have to shine. And I'm not suggesting you should feel better because everyone else feels confused, too. I'm saying life is so much about what we do with what we're given. Your power lies in your response. And you can respond with fear and tell yourself you don't measure up, or you can respond with love and direct your energy toward uncovering and sharing your own particular gifts.
If you're having a rough day, that isn't the time to troll Facebook, because you'll probably end up feeling worse. Think about what you're feeding yourself, and I don't just mean your body. Think about what you're feeding your mind and your heart, too. Everything we take in is food, it's fuel, it's energy. Feed yourself the stuff that strengthens you.
2. We live with a harsh inner dialogue.
I know many people who quit before they try. They ask themselves, Who am I to...? But the real question is, Who are you NOT to...?
It's important to remember there are roughly seven billion people on the planet at this point, and only one YOU. You're made up of about 100 trillion cells that have never come together in exactly the same way before, and won't again. You have a particular song to sing, and if you don't belt it out, that's a song the world never gets to hear.
If you're doubting whether or not you have something meaningful to offer, consider that no one but you has had your experiences, your memories, your ideas, your fears or your dreams. You have a unique perspective, although the themes of your life are likely to be universal. You never know how you might shine a light for someone else simply by sharing what's in your heart. And the joy in this life comes through connection, through giving and opening and accepting. Feed a loving voice. Feed a voice you want to hang out with, and starve the voice that asks you "who you are" to do anything.
3. We procrastinate.
Many people have dreams and ideas and the pull to follow their hearts, but the effort to follow through on this can feel so daunting. The idea that things will have to change can also create a lot of fear. If you're trying to make a huge shift in your life, small steps get the job done. If you look at the whole task, you're likely to feel defeated before you begin.
You have an inner "yes" that you can trust. If that yes is pulling on you, it's pointless to resist, because what you're opposing is a life that's going to feel good to you. Just do one small thing, take one positive step.
And keep putting one foot in front of the other. You don't have to make it all happen today. But try to make something happen. That's how you start to trust yourself and build the confidence required to make those big changes when you must. You watch yourself following that inner GPS, and you realize you can act on your own behalf, and that it feels right and good.
"Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven't half the strength you think they have." ~Norman Vincent Peale
Of course, this only compounds the problem, because when you're feeling listless, discouraged and depressed, it's very hard to get motivated. Feeling paralyzed is awful, and doubting your ability to live a life that feels good can be a very isolating experience.
Here are three ways people tend to block themselves, along with three ways to drop-kick those blocks across your path so you can get moving again.
1. We compare ourselves to others.
Many people look around and feel "less than." They see a peer who somehow seems to be living a life where things come easily, and they wonder why they aren't getting the breaks. Or they elevate other people and think, I could never do that because I'm not as outgoing, or attractive, or [fill-in-the-blank].
We live in interesting times where much of our interaction takes place over the internet. It's easy to feel like everyone else has this glossy, perfect life when you base it on status updates, pithy tweets or hazy Instagram pictures. Everyone suffers and everyone struggles. Most people just don't post about it. I'm questioning my ability to have an impact on the world around me. or I'm wondering what I'm doing here. or I feel alone in a world that doesn't make sense to me.
Most people are not going to post that.
The more we focus on what other people are doing or having or being, the less energy we have to shine. And I'm not suggesting you should feel better because everyone else feels confused, too. I'm saying life is so much about what we do with what we're given. Your power lies in your response. And you can respond with fear and tell yourself you don't measure up, or you can respond with love and direct your energy toward uncovering and sharing your own particular gifts.
If you're having a rough day, that isn't the time to troll Facebook, because you'll probably end up feeling worse. Think about what you're feeding yourself, and I don't just mean your body. Think about what you're feeding your mind and your heart, too. Everything we take in is food, it's fuel, it's energy. Feed yourself the stuff that strengthens you.
2. We live with a harsh inner dialogue.
I know many people who quit before they try. They ask themselves, Who am I to...? But the real question is, Who are you NOT to...?
It's important to remember there are roughly seven billion people on the planet at this point, and only one YOU. You're made up of about 100 trillion cells that have never come together in exactly the same way before, and won't again. You have a particular song to sing, and if you don't belt it out, that's a song the world never gets to hear.
If you're doubting whether or not you have something meaningful to offer, consider that no one but you has had your experiences, your memories, your ideas, your fears or your dreams. You have a unique perspective, although the themes of your life are likely to be universal. You never know how you might shine a light for someone else simply by sharing what's in your heart. And the joy in this life comes through connection, through giving and opening and accepting. Feed a loving voice. Feed a voice you want to hang out with, and starve the voice that asks you "who you are" to do anything.
3. We procrastinate.
Many people have dreams and ideas and the pull to follow their hearts, but the effort to follow through on this can feel so daunting. The idea that things will have to change can also create a lot of fear. If you're trying to make a huge shift in your life, small steps get the job done. If you look at the whole task, you're likely to feel defeated before you begin.
You have an inner "yes" that you can trust. If that yes is pulling on you, it's pointless to resist, because what you're opposing is a life that's going to feel good to you. Just do one small thing, take one positive step.
And keep putting one foot in front of the other. You don't have to make it all happen today. But try to make something happen. That's how you start to trust yourself and build the confidence required to make those big changes when you must. You watch yourself following that inner GPS, and you realize you can act on your own behalf, and that it feels right and good.
"Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven't half the strength you think they have." ~Norman Vincent Peale
Sunday, September 15, 2013
4 Ways to Fulfill Your Needs While Helping Others
“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” ~Dalai Lama
These are four methods I use to address and fulfill my own needs on a daily basis.
1. Admit when you need a break.
So often we push ourselves far beyond our mental and physical limits. This is often for a worthy cause, an important goal, or a valued relationship. Unfortunately, when we sacrifice our needs to keep working or giving and “push through,” we frequently sacrifice the quality of what we are doing as well.
If I have a week full of deadlines or commitments, I will often award myself a timeout. That might mean taking an evening off and just watching TV, curling up with a book, taking a leisurely walk with the dog, or maybe even taking a much-needed nap.
Taking a break can renew your energy and allows you to tackle projects with improved productivity and new perspectives.
2. Commit to yourself.
Smartphones and other technologies have made it even easier to over-commit our time and resources. Without even trying, I used to fill my week with coffee dates, book clubs, volunteering, and other appointments. With my life planned out by the hour, time with my family and to myself became things I had to “fit in.”
Recently, I made a commitment to reduce social outings and plan “me time” into my schedule. Now I am shocked at all the things I have time to do that I was missing before! Make two or three commitments to yourself throughout the week that help fulfill your own needs; take a yoga class, make time to read for fun, or cook a special, healthy meal.
Don’t just pencil in me time, write it in permanent marker! Be sure to honor commitments to yourself the same way you would keep plans with a friend. When we respect our own time and our own needs, it allows us the capacity to do the same for others.
3. Reevaluate your external commitments.
Make sure you are committed to something or someone because of genuine compassion or interest rather than a sense of obligation.
After reevaluating all your commitments to causes, events, or relationships, you might find that some of them do not align with your values. Continuing to give your time and energy when your heart isn’t truly engaged does you and the person or cause you are involved with a disservice.
My instinct whenever someone invites me to an event or asks for my participation is to say “yes” before evaluating how that request fits with my own values and needs. Now I try to take a moment, maybe even a few days, to consider whether I have the physical and mental capacity to truly commit to something.
Spending my time with people whose company I value, or doing work that I believe makes a difference allows me to fulfill my own needs while also connecting with and helping others.
4. Communicate your needs to others.
If a friend told you she couldn’t participate in your fundraiser because she was overwhelmed with other commitments, would you make her feel bad? Chances are you would tell her, “No worries! I understand.” Allow yourself the same courtesy and understanding.
Address your needs with others respectfully, but directly. If someone asks you to commit to something that conflicts with your needs, explain honestly why you can’t: “I’ve been tired all week so tonight I need to stay home and go to bed early,” or “I spent a lot last week so I need to save money; could we have coffee instead of dinner?”
–
I often hear people say “I just don’t have the time…” to exercise, take a day off from work, or explore something they’re genuinely interested in. The truth is, without making a commitment to acknowledge and acquire what you need, you will never have the time.
When you feel too overwhelmed to make time for yourself, remember that the help you can offer others will be limited if you neglect to fulfill your own needs as well.
These are four methods I use to address and fulfill my own needs on a daily basis.
1. Admit when you need a break.
So often we push ourselves far beyond our mental and physical limits. This is often for a worthy cause, an important goal, or a valued relationship. Unfortunately, when we sacrifice our needs to keep working or giving and “push through,” we frequently sacrifice the quality of what we are doing as well.
If I have a week full of deadlines or commitments, I will often award myself a timeout. That might mean taking an evening off and just watching TV, curling up with a book, taking a leisurely walk with the dog, or maybe even taking a much-needed nap.
Taking a break can renew your energy and allows you to tackle projects with improved productivity and new perspectives.
2. Commit to yourself.
Smartphones and other technologies have made it even easier to over-commit our time and resources. Without even trying, I used to fill my week with coffee dates, book clubs, volunteering, and other appointments. With my life planned out by the hour, time with my family and to myself became things I had to “fit in.”
Recently, I made a commitment to reduce social outings and plan “me time” into my schedule. Now I am shocked at all the things I have time to do that I was missing before! Make two or three commitments to yourself throughout the week that help fulfill your own needs; take a yoga class, make time to read for fun, or cook a special, healthy meal.
Don’t just pencil in me time, write it in permanent marker! Be sure to honor commitments to yourself the same way you would keep plans with a friend. When we respect our own time and our own needs, it allows us the capacity to do the same for others.
3. Reevaluate your external commitments.
Make sure you are committed to something or someone because of genuine compassion or interest rather than a sense of obligation.
After reevaluating all your commitments to causes, events, or relationships, you might find that some of them do not align with your values. Continuing to give your time and energy when your heart isn’t truly engaged does you and the person or cause you are involved with a disservice.
My instinct whenever someone invites me to an event or asks for my participation is to say “yes” before evaluating how that request fits with my own values and needs. Now I try to take a moment, maybe even a few days, to consider whether I have the physical and mental capacity to truly commit to something.
Spending my time with people whose company I value, or doing work that I believe makes a difference allows me to fulfill my own needs while also connecting with and helping others.
4. Communicate your needs to others.
If a friend told you she couldn’t participate in your fundraiser because she was overwhelmed with other commitments, would you make her feel bad? Chances are you would tell her, “No worries! I understand.” Allow yourself the same courtesy and understanding.
Address your needs with others respectfully, but directly. If someone asks you to commit to something that conflicts with your needs, explain honestly why you can’t: “I’ve been tired all week so tonight I need to stay home and go to bed early,” or “I spent a lot last week so I need to save money; could we have coffee instead of dinner?”
–
I often hear people say “I just don’t have the time…” to exercise, take a day off from work, or explore something they’re genuinely interested in. The truth is, without making a commitment to acknowledge and acquire what you need, you will never have the time.
When you feel too overwhelmed to make time for yourself, remember that the help you can offer others will be limited if you neglect to fulfill your own needs as well.
Seek understanding.
“When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and argument. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change”
― Thích Nhất Hạnh
― Thích Nhất Hạnh
Our emotions should serve not hinder us.
"In this sense, there are no unwholesome or negative emotions — only unwholesome or negative things we do with them."
"Without emotional intimacy, relationships founder on the reefs of emotional discord or flatness—no matter how heated the sex, no matter how much we hold in common — leaving us marooned from the interpersonal closeness for which we yearn.
All too easily, we may simply act out our unresolved wounds and mishandled needs through our emotional expression or lack thereof, while remaining unaware of what we are doing! Such re-acting keeps our relationships in the shallows, cut off from the emotional depth and resonance needed for genuine intimacy.
When we wake up to this and begin doing what it takes to develop and deepen emotional intimacy, our relationships start to become less of a battlefield or flatland and more of a sacred sanctuary, providing an optimal environment for deep healing and transformation."
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-10918/what-is-emotional-intimacy-why-should-we-care.html
"In this sense, there are no unwholesome or negative emotions — only unwholesome or negative things we do with them."
"Without emotional intimacy, relationships founder on the reefs of emotional discord or flatness—no matter how heated the sex, no matter how much we hold in common — leaving us marooned from the interpersonal closeness for which we yearn.
All too easily, we may simply act out our unresolved wounds and mishandled needs through our emotional expression or lack thereof, while remaining unaware of what we are doing! Such re-acting keeps our relationships in the shallows, cut off from the emotional depth and resonance needed for genuine intimacy.
When we wake up to this and begin doing what it takes to develop and deepen emotional intimacy, our relationships start to become less of a battlefield or flatland and more of a sacred sanctuary, providing an optimal environment for deep healing and transformation."
http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-10918/what-is-emotional-intimacy-why-should-we-care.html
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