Self-compassion

Guilt may have its place in courtrooms, but my verdict is the real answer lies in compassion and gentleness—starting with yourself.

“While the motivational power of self-criticism comes from fear of self-punishment, the motivational power of self-compassion comes from the desire to be healthy, to reduce our suffering.”

3 Ideas to Create Compassion for Yourself

Throughout the last ten years of her research, Kristin Neff has found three main ways to generate more compassion for yourself.

1. Be kind to yourself

The best way to think about being kind to yourself is to think about a friend.

Go ahead. Do it now. Visualize your best friend.

Now imagine she comes to you and says she is hurting because she was passed over for that promotion at work that she’s wanted for so long.

Would you say to her, “Well, it’s probably because you didn’t work hard enough. And you’re too mousy. You should have spoken up about wanting a promotion a long time ago.”

What? You wouldn’t say that to a friend? Would you say it to yourself?

It’s more likely that you would hug your friend and say, “Oh no! That’s terrible. I know how long you’ve been hoping to get that promotion. Come on, let’s go get some coffee and talk about it?”

You can be kind to yourself in this way, too. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend who is suffering.

Just as you would hug your friend, soothe yourself as well. Put your hands over your heart or locate the spot in your body where your hurt is hiding and gently place both hands there.

Speak kindly to yourself. Call yourself by an endearing name.

“Oh, honey. I’m hurting because I wanted that promotion so badly. This is a really hard place to be in right now.”

2. Embrace your common humanity

Many times when you criticize or judge yourself, you feel isolated. It seems as though you are the only one in the world who has that particular flaw.

And yet, we are all imperfect. We all suffer. And so we are all connected by our shared humanity.

One of the wonderful outcomes of self-compassion is our enhanced sense of belonging, the feeling that we are all in this together.

The next time you are looking in the mirror and not liking what you see, remember that you are an integral part of a flawed, wonderful, wounded, miraculous human tribe.

3. Be mindful

How will you know that you are suffering if you are repressing your pain, rationalizing it, or busy with problem-solving?

You must allow awareness of your pain to enter in. Being mindful is about noticing what is happening in the moment and having no judgment about it.

Notice your hurt and just be with it, compassionately and with kindness.

And note that trying to make pain go away with self-compassion is just another way to repress pain and hurt. Self-compassion is about being with your suffering in a kind, loving way, not about making suffering disappear.

We will always have pain. But as Shinzen Young has noted: Suffering = Pain x Resistance. The more you resist your pain, perhaps by trying to make it go away, the more suffering you will experience.

Mindfulness allows you to stay with the pain without the resistance.

Near the end of the workshop, Kristin led us through one last exercise called “Soften, soothe, allow.” It combines all three of the components listed above to help generate self-compassion.

After thinking about a difficulty we have, Kristin directed us to find the place in our bodies that held our problem and then place our hands on it.

I placed both of my hands gently over my heart.

Then, we were encouraged just to be with our pain—not try to rid ourselves of it—and allow kindness and compassion to surround it.

As I sat meditating on something I have always considered to be a character flaw, tears arose under my closed eyelids and soon splashed down my face.

It was the first time I had ever felt kindness for myself about this very raw area rather than listening to my inner critic. The pain I felt was actually okay when held in this compassionate space, I didn’t need to be ashamed any longer.

The soft waves of compassion surrounding my heart had healed me of my shame.

I now choose self-compassion in my life, especially when that inner voice starts up.


http://tinybuddha.com/blog/self-compassion-learning-to-be-nicer-to-ourselves/

3 Ways We Sabotage Ourselves + How To Stop

Most of us feel stuck at one time or another. Life isn't looking like the picture we had in our head, things aren't flowing, and frustration and despair set in.

Of course, this only compounds the problem, because when you're feeling listless, discouraged and depressed, it's very hard to get motivated. Feeling paralyzed is awful, and doubting your ability to live a life that feels good can be a very isolating experience.

Here are three ways people tend to block themselves, along with three ways to drop-kick those blocks across your path so you can get moving again.

1. We compare ourselves to others.

Many people look around and feel "less than." They see a peer who somehow seems to be living a life where things come easily, and they wonder why they aren't getting the breaks. Or they elevate other people and think, I could never do that because I'm not as outgoing, or attractive, or [fill-in-the-blank].

We live in interesting times where much of our interaction takes place over the internet. It's easy to feel like everyone else has this glossy, perfect life when you base it on status updates, pithy tweets or hazy Instagram pictures. Everyone suffers and everyone struggles. Most people just don't post about it. I'm questioning my ability to have an impact on the world around me. or I'm wondering what I'm doing here. or I feel alone in a world that doesn't make sense to me.

Most people are not going to post that.

The more we focus on what other people are doing or having or being, the less energy we have to shine. And I'm not suggesting you should feel better because everyone else feels confused, too. I'm saying life is so much about what we do with what we're given. Your power lies in your response. And you can respond with fear and tell yourself you don't measure up, or you can respond with love and direct your energy toward uncovering and sharing your own particular gifts.

If you're having a rough day, that isn't the time to troll Facebook, because you'll probably end up feeling worse. Think about what you're feeding yourself, and I don't just mean your body. Think about what you're feeding your mind and your heart, too. Everything we take in is food, it's fuel, it's energy. Feed yourself the stuff that strengthens you.

2. We live with a harsh inner dialogue.

I know many people who quit before they try. They ask themselves, Who am I to...? But the real question is, Who are you NOT to...?

It's important to remember there are roughly seven billion people on the planet at this point, and only one YOU. You're made up of about 100 trillion cells that have never come together in exactly the same way before, and won't again. You have a particular song to sing, and if you don't belt it out, that's a song the world never gets to hear.

If you're doubting whether or not you have something meaningful to offer, consider that no one but you has had your experiences, your memories, your ideas, your fears or your dreams. You have a unique perspective, although the themes of your life are likely to be universal. You never know how you might shine a light for someone else simply by sharing what's in your heart. And the joy in this life comes through connection, through giving and opening and accepting. Feed a loving voice. Feed a voice you want to hang out with, and starve the voice that asks you "who you are" to do anything.

3. We procrastinate.

Many people have dreams and ideas and the pull to follow their hearts, but the effort to follow through on this can feel so daunting. The idea that things will have to change can also create a lot of fear. If you're trying to make a huge shift in your life, small steps get the job done. If you look at the whole task, you're likely to feel defeated before you begin.

You have an inner "yes" that you can trust. If that yes is pulling on you, it's pointless to resist, because what you're opposing is a life that's going to feel good to you. Just do one small thing, take one positive step.

And keep putting one foot in front of the other. You don't have to make it all happen today. But try to make something happen. That's how you start to trust yourself and build the confidence required to make those big changes when you must. You watch yourself following that inner GPS, and you realize you can act on your own behalf, and that it feels right and good.

"Stand up to your obstacles and do something about them. You will find that they haven't half the strength you think they have." ~Norman Vincent Peale

Big Mistake.
"Mistakes are the portals of discovery."
~James Joyce

So, this past week I made a mess. I made a pretty big mistake. And, initially I started beating myself up. Berating myself... Yes, I'm human too. And, after I allowed myself to sit in the muck and really feel shitty for a bit, I brushed myself off and looked at all the amazing lessons I learned. In fact, if I hadn't made such a mess NOW, there's a chance I would have made an even bigger mess down the road... So, I'm choosing to be grateful. To be thankful for the learning, the discovery. It's a refreshing shift... and feels a hell-of-a lot better than beating myself up. Afterall, pencils have erasers for a reason. We all make a mess from time to time. You clean it up. Handle yourself with grace. And, learn your lessons.

AWESOME FIND TODAY

Research by Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field, suggests that people who have more self-compassion lead healthier, more productive lives than those who are self-critical. Plus, the feelings of security and self-worth provided by self-compassion are highly stable.

Science of Happiness Research

A Powerful Lesson in Self-Compassion: Are You Allergic to Honey?

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~Dalai Lama

When things don’t go as planned, is your go-to explanation that it’s because you did something wrong, or because there’s something wrong with you? For many people, self-compassion is a real challenge.

Most of us want to be kinder to ourselves, but our self-critical, perfectionistic patterns are often well-established, and it’s hard to know how to interrupt them.

When I was in graduate school, I was driving home from school one evening when I noticed that my car was overheating. Just as I arrived in front of my building, the engine stalled completely.

It was 5pm on a Friday, I was blocking the bike lane, and traffic was backed up behind me. Two cars sped past beeping their horns, and then a cyclist turned and waved his fist as he rode around me. I flipped on my hazard lights.

As I dialed Triple A, the self-critical thoughts and stories started to spin:

“Why didn’t I notice earlier that the car was overheating? I should have had it serviced. If I had been more on top of things, this wouldn’t be happening.”

I heard more car horns beeping as the woman at Triple A promised that a tow truck would be there within 30 minutes. After I thanked her and hung up, the self-critical stories resumed:

“I’m in the way; inconveniencing everyone around me. I’m taking up too much space.”

I was startled by a knock at the passenger window. A guy with a goatee and a beanie stood next to my car, and I suspected that he was going to give me a hard time for being double-parked. Reluctantly, I lowered the window.

“Hey,” he said. “I work at the cafe right here—do you want a latte or a chai or something?”

I stared at him, speechless, blinking through the beginnings of tears.

“We’ve also got hot chocolate and tea,” he said.

He actually meant it.

“Oh,” I said. “Wow. Thank you. I’d love some chamomile tea.”

“You got it,” he said and headed back to the cafe.

I sat there, stunned. This experience did not fit into the story my inner critic had been telling. All of my self-criticism had been completely silenced by this stranger’s spontaneous impulse of kindness.

Suddenly none of this was my fault; it was just something that was happening, and I could allow it. All the stories had been just that: stories.

A few moments later he reappeared with the chamomile tea and handed it to me.

“Here you go,” he said.

“Thanks.” I pulled a couple of bills from my wallet.

“Oh, no, don’t worry about it,” he said.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” he said.

I looked at him and took the tea.

“Thank you,” I said.

“Hey, I’ve been there.”

He tapped the passenger door twice as a goodbye. I put the window back up. The tea was too hot to drink, so I held the paper cup as it warmed my hands.

I let it register some more: This wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t evidence of me having done something wrong. It was just something that was happening, and it could just be that.

And what was so wrong about taking up space, anyway?

I was startled again by another knock. He was back. I lowered the window.

“Hey, are you allergic to honey?” he said.

“Huh? Mmm, no.”

“Oh, good. I put honey in it. I didn’t think to ask if you were allergic. If you are, I can make another one.”

“Oh, no. I love honey. Thank you,” I said.

“No worries, then.” And back to the coffee shop he went.

I smiled and blinked through a few more tears. He had put honey in my tea without me even asking? This baffled my inner critic even more; it had nothing to say.

I thought about how the self-critical stories had flared up as soon as I found myself in a challenging situation, how automatic it was for me to think that the coffee shop guy was there to criticize me, and how immediately the trance of self-judgment was broken by his act of kindness.

In five minutes, he had given me a life-altering lesson in how compassion alchemizes criticism. He had no ulterior motive: he was simply being kind and generous, and he inspired me to be more kind and generous with myself.

If you struggle with self-judgment, tuck this simple phrase into your back pocket.

The next time you notice that critical thoughts are present, experiment with asking your inner judge, “Hey, are you allergic to honey?” It just might help you interrupt those all-to-familiar patterns, and start creating new, self-compassionate ones.

Motivate Yourself Without Pushing Yourself: Tips for Self-Compassion

“Our sorrows and wounds are only healed when we touch them with compassion.” ~Buddha

My tips to create more self-compassion include:

1. Be aware if you are being hard on yourself and recognize where this shows up for you.

It can be subtle. Look at all life areas, including your health, finances, and relationships, at work and in your family.

2. Challenge your beliefs and fears.

Do you have a belief that if you are gentle with yourself you will somehow not be motivated enough or not all you can be? Recognize that this doesn’t have to be true. Also, notice if you feel that being compassionate toward yourself will lead you to feel self-indulgent or selfish.

3. Treat yourself kindly, without judgment.

Picture your best friend and how you treat them. Now apply this same love and kindness to yourself. You should be your own best friend after all!

4. Be mindful of when you slip out of compassion and start to treat yourself harshly again.

Forgive yourself and understand that you are human and this is part of the human game.

5. Feel the pain of others around you.

Listen to their stories and feel what it must be like to be them. This will make you automatically feel compassion and be softer on yourself as you connect with their common humanity.

We all have issues and problems that cause us pain, but suffering through them is optional. Self-compassion provides another option.

Dealing with pain

1. Developing emotional intelligence.
2. Learning to sit with negative feelings.
3. Creating situations for positive feelings.

Pain is part of life, and we can’t avoid it by resisting it. We can only minimize it by accepting it and dealing with it well.

That means feeling the pain and knowing it will pass. No feeling lasts forever. It means sitting in the discomfort and waiting before acting. There will come a time when you feel healed and empowered.

Our power comes from realizing we don’t need to act on pain; and if we need to diffuse it, we can channel it into something healthy and productive, like writing, painting, or doing something physical.

Pain is sometimes an indication we need to set boundaries, learn to say no more often, or take better care of ourselves; but sometimes it just means that it’s human to hurt, and we need to let ourselves go through it.

We tend to be more reactive than active, but that’s a decision to let the outside world dictate how we feel.

We don’t need to sit around waiting for other people to evoke our feelings. Instead, we can take responsibility to create our own inner world.


We can identify what we want to say yes to in life and choose that before struggling with whether or not to say no to someone else. If you love dancing, take a class. If your greatest passion is writing, start a blog. If you daydream about being a musician, start recording.

Don’t worry about where it’s leading. Do it just because you love it.

***
Negative feelings are only negative if they’re excessive and enduring. We won’t hurt ourselves into eternal misery if we let ourselves feel what we need to.

Still, we don’t have to feel bad nearly as often as we think.

If we choose to foster a sense of inner peace, challenge our perceptions and interpretations when our emotions could use some schooling, and learn to take responsibility for our joy, we can not only minimize pain—we can choose to be a source of pleasure, for ourselves and the people around us.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-uncomfortable-feelings/

"Be kind to yourself and how you view change and growth."

PROGRESS not PERFECTION

LOVE YOURSELF, ACCEPT YOURSELF, FORGIVE YOURSELF

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/love-yourself-accept-yourself-forgive-yourself/

Treat yourself the way you want to be treated.

Reminding me why to be healthy and take care of myself the way that I do.

The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion

Self-esteem
-Global judgment of self-esteem: Am I good person or a bad person?
If you hate yourself, you're going to be depressed and hate yourself, will have anxiety and psychological problems
To have high self-esteem, you have to feel special and above average
To all feel above average, we have to put ourselves up and put others down to feel better by comparison
--Epidemic of narcissism in this culture
--Epidemic of bullying by kids who are forming their sense of self-esteem to feel stronger and more powerful
--People are prejudice in order to enhance their own self-esteem by feeling their group is better
--Will only feel good about oneself when one succeeds and will feel lousy and like a failure when fails
--Women invest in their self-esteem in how attractive they are

Self-compassion not about judging ourselves kindly but about relating to ourselves kindly.

Self-compassion has three core components:
1. Treating ourselves with kindness instead of harsh self-judgment: Patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion
2. Common humanity: How am I the same as others (instead of asking how we are different). To be human means to be imperfect as people and in our lives - that is the shared human experience. When we struggle in lives, we can feel abnormal and that we shouldn't be failing. The feeling of abnormality that is so psychologically damaging.
3. Mindfulness: Being with what is in the present moment. turn toward, validate, and accept that we are suffering in order to give ourselves self-compassion.

Treat ourselves with the same kindness, care, and concern we treat our friends
Intentionally try to be more compassionate to myself - it will make an immediate difference
Self-compassion offers a lot of benefits other people don't
Making ourselves feel isolated makes things so much worse when in reality that is what connects us to others.
When we criticize ourselves, we tap into threat defense system - our bodies prepare for the fight or flight response, releasing cortisol and adrenaline.
Threat not to our actual selves, but to our perception.
We feel threatened by problem so we attack ourselves - we are attacker and attacked.
If you are a constant self-critic, you will have constantly have high levels of stress and for the body to protect itself, it will shut down and become depressed to deal with all the stress.
We can think we need to criticize ourselves to be motivated but the opposite has found to be true.

TO FEEL SAFE:
Tap into mammalian care-giving system: oxytocin and opiates
Our bodies are programmed to respond to warmth, gentle touch, and soft vocalizations
When we give ourselves compassion, we actually reduce our cortisol levels and release oxytocin and opiates
When we feel safe and comfortable, we are in our optimal state to do our best

Self-compassion strongly related to mental health, life satisfaction, connectedness with others (interpersonal relationships), better lifestyle choices
Self-compassion offers benefits of self-esteem without the pitfalls - not associated with narcissism or constant social comparison
When self-esteem deserts you, self-compassion steps in and gives you a sense of being valuable because you are a human being worthy of love in that moment - Be a friend to yourself in that moment

Practicing self-compassion will open your heart to be compassionate to others

Mindful Self Compassion

How do you typically react to difficulties in life—work stress, feeling rejected, physical problems, or financial hardship? As human beings, most of us instinctively fight negative experiences and find fault in ourselves when things go wrong: “This shouldn’t be happening!” “What’s the matter with me!?” Unfortunately, this tendency just adds stress to our lives and the critical self-talk defeats us before we know what’s happening. For example, the more we struggle to fall asleep, the harder it is to sleep; fighting with anxiety makes us feel worried all the time; and blaming ourselves for feeling bad just makes us depressed. But what would happen if, instead, you took a moment to calm and comfort yourself when you felt bad, just because you felt bad—much like you’d do for others? In other words, what if you learned the art of mindful self-compassion?

Self-compassion is a skill that can be learned by anyone, even those who didn’t receive enough affection in childhood or who find it embarrassing to be kind to themselves. Self-compassion is actually a courageous mental attitude that stands up to harm—the harm that we inflict on ourselves every day by overworking, overeating, overanalyzing, and overreacting. With mindful self-compassion, we’re better able to recognize when we’re under stress and face what’s happening in our lives (mindfulness) and to take a kinder and more sustainable approach to life’s challenges. Self-compassion gives emotional strength and resilience, allowing us to recover more quickly from bruised egos to admit our shortcomings, forgive ourselves, and respond to ourselves and others with care and respect. After all, making mistakes is part of being human. Self-compassion also provides the support and inspiration required to make necessary changes in our lives and reach our full potential.

Research has shown that self-compassion greatly enhances emotional well-being. It boosts happiness, reduces anxiety and depression, and can even help you stick to your diet and exercise routine. And it’s easier than you think. Most of us feel compassion when a close friend is struggling. What would it be like to receive the same caring attention whenever you needed it most? All that’s required is shift in the direction of our attention—recognizing that as a human being, you, too, are a worthy recipient of compassion.