Self-esteem made simple

"By listing the values that are most important in my life at any given time, I am choosing to focus on them and work on them."

The more important our values, the more they will affect our self-esteem.

Sometimes we have values that clash, not because they’re opposites of each other, but because we can’t honor both at once.

For example, family and work are two of my values, and I find myself working more and having less time for my family. My family wants my attention and pulls at me. I want to feel fulfilled through work and career and that pulls at me.

The more my work value is being fulfilled, the more integrity I have with regard to that value. On the other hand, I am not living my family value with as much integrity as I would like to. When there’s a rift between how you’d like to honor a value, it leads to a loss of integrity.

That loss of integrity is the cause of lowered self-esteem.

If you have low self-esteem, that means you need to go back to your values and reassess how you can rearrange your life to feel like you are living with integrity based on what matters to you.

Integrity is built from a pattern of small and consistent actions. Little changes can indeed build into big changes. One step at a time, a little bit each time, really does work magic.

SELF-ESTEEM

http://forthhorizons.com/how-to-overcome-self-criticism-and-negative-self-talk/

The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion

Self-esteem
-Global judgment of self-esteem: Am I good person or a bad person?
If you hate yourself, you're going to be depressed and hate yourself, will have anxiety and psychological problems
To have high self-esteem, you have to feel special and above average
To all feel above average, we have to put ourselves up and put others down to feel better by comparison
--Epidemic of narcissism in this culture
--Epidemic of bullying by kids who are forming their sense of self-esteem to feel stronger and more powerful
--People are prejudice in order to enhance their own self-esteem by feeling their group is better
--Will only feel good about oneself when one succeeds and will feel lousy and like a failure when fails
--Women invest in their self-esteem in how attractive they are

Self-compassion not about judging ourselves kindly but about relating to ourselves kindly.

Self-compassion has three core components:
1. Treating ourselves with kindness instead of harsh self-judgment: Patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion
2. Common humanity: How am I the same as others (instead of asking how we are different). To be human means to be imperfect as people and in our lives - that is the shared human experience. When we struggle in lives, we can feel abnormal and that we shouldn't be failing. The feeling of abnormality that is so psychologically damaging.
3. Mindfulness: Being with what is in the present moment. turn toward, validate, and accept that we are suffering in order to give ourselves self-compassion.

Treat ourselves with the same kindness, care, and concern we treat our friends
Intentionally try to be more compassionate to myself - it will make an immediate difference
Self-compassion offers a lot of benefits other people don't
Making ourselves feel isolated makes things so much worse when in reality that is what connects us to others.
When we criticize ourselves, we tap into threat defense system - our bodies prepare for the fight or flight response, releasing cortisol and adrenaline.
Threat not to our actual selves, but to our perception.
We feel threatened by problem so we attack ourselves - we are attacker and attacked.
If you are a constant self-critic, you will have constantly have high levels of stress and for the body to protect itself, it will shut down and become depressed to deal with all the stress.
We can think we need to criticize ourselves to be motivated but the opposite has found to be true.

TO FEEL SAFE:
Tap into mammalian care-giving system: oxytocin and opiates
Our bodies are programmed to respond to warmth, gentle touch, and soft vocalizations
When we give ourselves compassion, we actually reduce our cortisol levels and release oxytocin and opiates
When we feel safe and comfortable, we are in our optimal state to do our best

Self-compassion strongly related to mental health, life satisfaction, connectedness with others (interpersonal relationships), better lifestyle choices
Self-compassion offers benefits of self-esteem without the pitfalls - not associated with narcissism or constant social comparison
When self-esteem deserts you, self-compassion steps in and gives you a sense of being valuable because you are a human being worthy of love in that moment - Be a friend to yourself in that moment

Practicing self-compassion will open your heart to be compassionate to others

Mindful Self Compassion

How do you typically react to difficulties in life—work stress, feeling rejected, physical problems, or financial hardship? As human beings, most of us instinctively fight negative experiences and find fault in ourselves when things go wrong: “This shouldn’t be happening!” “What’s the matter with me!?” Unfortunately, this tendency just adds stress to our lives and the critical self-talk defeats us before we know what’s happening. For example, the more we struggle to fall asleep, the harder it is to sleep; fighting with anxiety makes us feel worried all the time; and blaming ourselves for feeling bad just makes us depressed. But what would happen if, instead, you took a moment to calm and comfort yourself when you felt bad, just because you felt bad—much like you’d do for others? In other words, what if you learned the art of mindful self-compassion?

Self-compassion is a skill that can be learned by anyone, even those who didn’t receive enough affection in childhood or who find it embarrassing to be kind to themselves. Self-compassion is actually a courageous mental attitude that stands up to harm—the harm that we inflict on ourselves every day by overworking, overeating, overanalyzing, and overreacting. With mindful self-compassion, we’re better able to recognize when we’re under stress and face what’s happening in our lives (mindfulness) and to take a kinder and more sustainable approach to life’s challenges. Self-compassion gives emotional strength and resilience, allowing us to recover more quickly from bruised egos to admit our shortcomings, forgive ourselves, and respond to ourselves and others with care and respect. After all, making mistakes is part of being human. Self-compassion also provides the support and inspiration required to make necessary changes in our lives and reach our full potential.

Research has shown that self-compassion greatly enhances emotional well-being. It boosts happiness, reduces anxiety and depression, and can even help you stick to your diet and exercise routine. And it’s easier than you think. Most of us feel compassion when a close friend is struggling. What would it be like to receive the same caring attention whenever you needed it most? All that’s required is shift in the direction of our attention—recognizing that as a human being, you, too, are a worthy recipient of compassion.

spot-on. my self-esteem

How high is your self-esteem?

You have scored 61.

What your scoring means
You have quite good self-esteem on the whole. But you sometimes fail to believe in yourself enough. Remember you are a special and unique person. Many people with your score feel confident in what they do for a living and get a lot of affirmation from that. It's important however, to feel good about who you are, not just about what you do. Have a think about this.

http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/interactive/interactivetests/selfesteem.php?postBack=true&radiobutton1=3&radiobutton2=3&radiobutton3=3&radiobutton4=3&radiobutton5=4&radiobutton6=2&radiobutton7=4&radiobutton8=3&radiobutton9=2&radiobutton10=2&radiobutton11=4&radiobutton12=4&radiobutton13=4&radiobutton14=2&radiobutton15=2&radiobutton16=3&radiobutton17=3&radiobutton18=4&radiobutton19=4&radiobutton20=2

Identify triggers to low self-esteem. We personalize stressful events (e.g., criticism) by inferring a negative meaning about ourselves. A self-defeating action often follows. Each event can, instead, be a chance to learn about ourselves, if we face our fear of doing so and the negative beliefs about ourselves that sustain the negative meanings.

Slow down personalizing. Target personalizing to slow impulsive responses. You can begin to interfere with these automatic overreactions by using relaxation and stress management techniques. These techniques are directed at self-soothing the arousal. This allows us to interrupt the otherwise inevitable automatic reaction and put into play a way to begin to face the unacknowledged fears at the root of low self-esteem.

Acknowledge reaction. Verbalize, “Here I go again (describe action, feeling, thought) . . . ” Actively do something with the awareness rather than passively note it. The result is to slow the impulse and give ourselves a choice about how we want to respond.

Choose response. Hold self-defeating impulses. Act in a self-caring and effective way. By choosing to act in a more functional way, we take a step toward facing our fears.

Accept impulse. Be able to state the benefit (e.g., protection) of overreaction. We won’t be able to do this at first, but as we become more effective, we will begin to appreciate what our self-defeating impulse had been doing for us.

Develop skills. We can provide for our own safety, engender hope, tolerate confusion, and raise self-esteem by learning and using these essential life skills:

--Experience feelings. “Feel” feelings in your body and identify your needs. When we do not respect our feelings, we are left to rely on what others want and believe.

--Optional thinking. End either/or thinking. Think in “shades of gray” and learn to reframe meanings. By giving ourselves options, we open ourselves to new possibilities about how to think about our dilemmas.

--Detachment. End all abuse; say “no” to misrepresentations and assumptions. By maintaining personal boundaries, we discourage abuse by others and assert our separateness.

--Assertion. Voice what you see, feel, and want by making “I” statements. By expressing our thoughts, feelings, and desires in a direct and honest manner, we show that we are in charge of our lives.

--Receptivity. End self-absorption; listen to others’ words and meanings to restate them. In this way, we act with awareness of our contribution to events as well as empathize with the needs of others.

It is 11:53 am on a Friday, September 21, 2012.
This morning has been so incredible so far because I have made it incredible.

I am in a maturing phase where I am taking greater responsibility for my own life.
I am accountable to myself for my joy.

I am growing a lot as a person.
And today as my self-esteem is growing, I realize that I am a goddess.

All womyn are goddesses.
They must recognize that internally.
The world recognizes it for them.
And they share their sacred energy with the chosen.

Mortality Salience

Mortality salience is a term which describes awareness of one's eventual death.

Mortality salience has the potential to cause worldview defense, a psychological mechanism which strengthens people's connection with their in-group as a defense mechanism. This can lead to feelings of nationalism and racial bigotry being intensified. Studies also show that mortality salience can also lead people to feel more inclined to punish minor moral transgressions. One such study divided a group of judges into two groups — one which was asked to reflect upon their own mortality, and one group which was not. The judges were then asked to set a bond for an alleged prostitute. The group who had reflected on mortality set an average bond of $455, while the control group's average bond was $50.[1]

Another study found that mortality salience could cause an increase in support for martyrdom and military intervention. Tom Pyszczynski et al. found that students who had reflected on their mortality showed preference towards people who supported martyrdom, and indicated they might consider martyrdom themselves. They also found that especially among students who were politically conservative, mortality salience increased support for military intervention but not among students who were politically liberal.


A recent study however decided to expand on terror management theory and focus on an aspect known as postself rather than afterlife beliefs. According to the study "postself" is more indicative of oneself "I" and how "I" will be remembered after death. Comparatively this idea of postself does not involve an essence bigger than oneself but simply an individual self and their continuum after physical death. This study found that like the original literature on terror management theory perceiving one's postself also provides protection against mortality concerns just like the hedge provided by religious beliefs .

Self-esteem may in fact reduce the effects of mortality salience.

^ a b Harmon-jones, E., Simon, L., Greenberg, J., Pyszczynski, T., Solomon, S., & McGregor, H. (1997). Terror management theory and self-esteem: Evidence that increased self-esteem reduces mortailty salience effects. Journal of personality and social psychology, 72(1), 24-36.