The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion

Self-esteem
-Global judgment of self-esteem: Am I good person or a bad person?
If you hate yourself, you're going to be depressed and hate yourself, will have anxiety and psychological problems
To have high self-esteem, you have to feel special and above average
To all feel above average, we have to put ourselves up and put others down to feel better by comparison
--Epidemic of narcissism in this culture
--Epidemic of bullying by kids who are forming their sense of self-esteem to feel stronger and more powerful
--People are prejudice in order to enhance their own self-esteem by feeling their group is better
--Will only feel good about oneself when one succeeds and will feel lousy and like a failure when fails
--Women invest in their self-esteem in how attractive they are

Self-compassion not about judging ourselves kindly but about relating to ourselves kindly.

Self-compassion has three core components:
1. Treating ourselves with kindness instead of harsh self-judgment: Patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion
2. Common humanity: How am I the same as others (instead of asking how we are different). To be human means to be imperfect as people and in our lives - that is the shared human experience. When we struggle in lives, we can feel abnormal and that we shouldn't be failing. The feeling of abnormality that is so psychologically damaging.
3. Mindfulness: Being with what is in the present moment. turn toward, validate, and accept that we are suffering in order to give ourselves self-compassion.

Treat ourselves with the same kindness, care, and concern we treat our friends
Intentionally try to be more compassionate to myself - it will make an immediate difference
Self-compassion offers a lot of benefits other people don't
Making ourselves feel isolated makes things so much worse when in reality that is what connects us to others.
When we criticize ourselves, we tap into threat defense system - our bodies prepare for the fight or flight response, releasing cortisol and adrenaline.
Threat not to our actual selves, but to our perception.
We feel threatened by problem so we attack ourselves - we are attacker and attacked.
If you are a constant self-critic, you will have constantly have high levels of stress and for the body to protect itself, it will shut down and become depressed to deal with all the stress.
We can think we need to criticize ourselves to be motivated but the opposite has found to be true.

TO FEEL SAFE:
Tap into mammalian care-giving system: oxytocin and opiates
Our bodies are programmed to respond to warmth, gentle touch, and soft vocalizations
When we give ourselves compassion, we actually reduce our cortisol levels and release oxytocin and opiates
When we feel safe and comfortable, we are in our optimal state to do our best

Self-compassion strongly related to mental health, life satisfaction, connectedness with others (interpersonal relationships), better lifestyle choices
Self-compassion offers benefits of self-esteem without the pitfalls - not associated with narcissism or constant social comparison
When self-esteem deserts you, self-compassion steps in and gives you a sense of being valuable because you are a human being worthy of love in that moment - Be a friend to yourself in that moment

Practicing self-compassion will open your heart to be compassionate to others

Brain magic

Crazy enough

TEDxGreenville - Max Strom - There is No App for Happiness

Movement and Breath
-move body by initiating movement with breath
-we breathe in an auto-pilot way instead of a transformative way

Internet Technology
-some say the Internet will become self-aware by 2030
-explosion of technology, decline in happiness, believes there is a connection
-the way we use it or abuse it
-dedicating ourselves to a virtual life, instead of an actual life

Self-Awareness
-there is no software for becoming self-aware
-one of the first things we as human beings need to do is to become self-aware
-self aware: we understand our motivations, desires and ethics and are able to express them

Breathing
-breathing helps to manage emotional and physical pain, science has acknowledged this with women giving birth- why not in high school? Might help you keep a job and a marriage

Technology
-technology should be used for what's it good for, not for what it's not good for
-all changes are not better
-we have a cellphone now where we can talk to people but it's improved our ability to communicate from anywhere, but has it improved our quality of communication with our loved ones?
-texting is one step up from Morse code
-we're teaching robots to make eye contact bc humans communicate 90% non-verbally,
-we rather communicate non-verbally through texting, using smiley faces to humanize

Reptilian Selves
-reptilian mind, we all have it: should I run from it? can I eat it? can I kill with it? can I have sex with it? can I make money with it?
-Internet financed: Defense Department- kill with it
-#1 business on the Internet: pornography by far
-can order in with it
-it really isn't that difficult, we just haven't been educated
-one of the reasons we are not as happy as we could be is that we are under-educated in terms of happiness

Thing We Need to Do
1) Ask ourselves questions
-vague, not concrete notion of ethics,
What are my ethics? what do I stand for? who are my friends?- who can I call at 3 in the morning and they will help me and come?
What would I bring in a suitcase if I had 30 minutes to pack and leave country?- we start to understand more of ourselves by our answers

-if you lose your family or your health, you lose everything
-Joseph Campbell- "sometimes we get to the top of the ladder and realize that we leaned against the wrong wall"

2) Know that Your Time and Your Lifespan are the Same Thing
-every hour you spend, you spend away from someone who loves you

3) Begin a One Hour a Day Regime that Illuminates, Strengthens, and Heals You
-do a cost-benefit analysis, you'll find the time
-how much time do you spend reading the Sports Page? how much time do you spend on social media? playing video games?

Upload from inside, our internal technology and live a life of meaning instead a life of existence. We upload love. We upload kindness. We upload our own happiness. And don't depend on external circumstance to make us that way.

TEDxHull - Honey Langcaster James - 7 Steps That Might Just Change Your Life

"Often our beliefs limit us more than reality."

"Expect success."

"Begin with your happy ending."