Guilt may have its place in courtrooms, but my verdict is the real answer lies in compassion and gentleness—starting with yourself.
“While the motivational power of self-criticism comes from fear of self-punishment, the motivational power of self-compassion comes from the desire to be healthy, to reduce our suffering.”
3 Ideas to Create Compassion for Yourself
Throughout the last ten years of her research, Kristin Neff has found three main ways to generate more compassion for yourself.
1. Be kind to yourself
The best way to think about being kind to yourself is to think about a friend.
Go ahead. Do it now. Visualize your best friend.
Now imagine she comes to you and says she is hurting because she was passed over for that promotion at work that she’s wanted for so long.
Would you say to her, “Well, it’s probably because you didn’t work hard enough. And you’re too mousy. You should have spoken up about wanting a promotion a long time ago.”
What? You wouldn’t say that to a friend? Would you say it to yourself?
It’s more likely that you would hug your friend and say, “Oh no! That’s terrible. I know how long you’ve been hoping to get that promotion. Come on, let’s go get some coffee and talk about it?”
You can be kind to yourself in this way, too. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend who is suffering.
Just as you would hug your friend, soothe yourself as well. Put your hands over your heart or locate the spot in your body where your hurt is hiding and gently place both hands there.
Speak kindly to yourself. Call yourself by an endearing name.
“Oh, honey. I’m hurting because I wanted that promotion so badly. This is a really hard place to be in right now.”
2. Embrace your common humanity
Many times when you criticize or judge yourself, you feel isolated. It seems as though you are the only one in the world who has that particular flaw.
And yet, we are all imperfect. We all suffer. And so we are all connected by our shared humanity.
One of the wonderful outcomes of self-compassion is our enhanced sense of belonging, the feeling that we are all in this together.
The next time you are looking in the mirror and not liking what you see, remember that you are an integral part of a flawed, wonderful, wounded, miraculous human tribe.
3. Be mindful
How will you know that you are suffering if you are repressing your pain, rationalizing it, or busy with problem-solving?
You must allow awareness of your pain to enter in. Being mindful is about noticing what is happening in the moment and having no judgment about it.
Notice your hurt and just be with it, compassionately and with kindness.
And note that trying to make pain go away with self-compassion is just another way to repress pain and hurt. Self-compassion is about being with your suffering in a kind, loving way, not about making suffering disappear.
We will always have pain. But as Shinzen Young has noted: Suffering = Pain x Resistance. The more you resist your pain, perhaps by trying to make it go away, the more suffering you will experience.
Mindfulness allows you to stay with the pain without the resistance.
Near the end of the workshop, Kristin led us through one last exercise called “Soften, soothe, allow.” It combines all three of the components listed above to help generate self-compassion.
After thinking about a difficulty we have, Kristin directed us to find the place in our bodies that held our problem and then place our hands on it.
I placed both of my hands gently over my heart.
Then, we were encouraged just to be with our pain—not try to rid ourselves of it—and allow kindness and compassion to surround it.
As I sat meditating on something I have always considered to be a character flaw, tears arose under my closed eyelids and soon splashed down my face.
It was the first time I had ever felt kindness for myself about this very raw area rather than listening to my inner critic. The pain I felt was actually okay when held in this compassionate space, I didn’t need to be ashamed any longer.
The soft waves of compassion surrounding my heart had healed me of my shame.
I now choose self-compassion in my life, especially when that inner voice starts up.
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/self-compassion-learning-to-be-nicer-to-ourselves/
Showing posts with label healthy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healthy. Show all posts
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
7 Pieces Of Advice I Wish I'd Known When I Was Younger
Along the way, I discovered the source of my unhappiness. It was the fact that I was ignoring my inner voice and refusing to ask myself, “What do I really want?” If I could have seen my future-self back then, well, I can’t help but wonder if things would have been different.
Here's what I wish I would have known.
1. Every ending is the beginning of something much better.
Let go of the situation, the pain and your expectations. That person who broke your heart is a blessing, as well as a lesson. You've grown, and this ending is preparing you for something much grander. Be open to the unknown; it's filled with magic and miracles. Everything is in its right order, and something much better is on its way to you.
2. You can love what you do for a living.
You don't ever have to stay in a situation that hurts your spirit. If you don't like your job, you CAN walk away. As soon as you do, the universe will swoop in and show you a new opportunity. Trust the unknown. Allow yourself to dream and to imagine a life beyond even your wildest dreams. You can love what you do for a living!
3. The journey is the reward — there is no destination.
Let go of the “there.” Your focus on the future is keeping you out of the moment, and you're not really living your life. The journey is where the magic happens. The destination is right here, right now.
4. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
Stop being a victim, and thinking that life happens to you. You have the power to change anything in your life. If you don't like something, then get up your courage and change it. You're more powerful than you ever give yourself credit for. You, my younger self, can move mountains and change your fate when you're truly ready and willing.
5. You are beautiful.
My dear one, you spend far too much time thinking about your weight, the number on the scale, and food. The number on the scale does not define who you are.
Food is not the enemy, and your body will one day be your best friend. Don't be so hard on yourself! You’re much more beautiful than you will ever give yourself credit for, and your weight is not who you are, nor will it ever define or limit your greatness.
6. What people say is a reflection of them, not you.
You spend far too much time asking what other people think, and listening to them. You allow their opinions to become your own. Know that what they say and do has nothing to do with you.
7. This too shall pass.
Change is the only constant in life; clinging to anything is what causes suffering and unhappiness. What ails you at the moment does not need to define you. You are not your problems. What seems traumatic and life changing today will be a fond memory tomorrow. This too shall pass!
And remember, no matter what you're going through right now, tomorrow is a new day and it always works out in the end.
Here's what I wish I would have known.
1. Every ending is the beginning of something much better.
Let go of the situation, the pain and your expectations. That person who broke your heart is a blessing, as well as a lesson. You've grown, and this ending is preparing you for something much grander. Be open to the unknown; it's filled with magic and miracles. Everything is in its right order, and something much better is on its way to you.
2. You can love what you do for a living.
You don't ever have to stay in a situation that hurts your spirit. If you don't like your job, you CAN walk away. As soon as you do, the universe will swoop in and show you a new opportunity. Trust the unknown. Allow yourself to dream and to imagine a life beyond even your wildest dreams. You can love what you do for a living!
3. The journey is the reward — there is no destination.
Let go of the “there.” Your focus on the future is keeping you out of the moment, and you're not really living your life. The journey is where the magic happens. The destination is right here, right now.
4. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
Stop being a victim, and thinking that life happens to you. You have the power to change anything in your life. If you don't like something, then get up your courage and change it. You're more powerful than you ever give yourself credit for. You, my younger self, can move mountains and change your fate when you're truly ready and willing.
5. You are beautiful.
My dear one, you spend far too much time thinking about your weight, the number on the scale, and food. The number on the scale does not define who you are.
Food is not the enemy, and your body will one day be your best friend. Don't be so hard on yourself! You’re much more beautiful than you will ever give yourself credit for, and your weight is not who you are, nor will it ever define or limit your greatness.
6. What people say is a reflection of them, not you.
You spend far too much time asking what other people think, and listening to them. You allow their opinions to become your own. Know that what they say and do has nothing to do with you.
7. This too shall pass.
Change is the only constant in life; clinging to anything is what causes suffering and unhappiness. What ails you at the moment does not need to define you. You are not your problems. What seems traumatic and life changing today will be a fond memory tomorrow. This too shall pass!
And remember, no matter what you're going through right now, tomorrow is a new day and it always works out in the end.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
20 Signs You're A Wellness Junkie (Hilarious)
1. You could hypothetically eat all your beauty products.
Your kitchen and bathroom contain all the same ingredients. In fact, if it weren’t for the shower, you couldn’t tell them apart.
2. You don't set goals, only intentions.
And then you manifest them.
3. You forget, in casual conversation, that not everyone knows what a Vitamix is.
It’s soooo much more than "an expensive blender," but you haven't found a succinct way to say that convincingly.
4. There are no plastic containers in your kitchen—only mason jars.
If we can all agree on one thing, it's that BPA is the worst. Besides, how else would you transport your organic juice?
5. You know at least one person who goes by his spiritual name.
You can’t pronounce it, and he'll always be Dave to you.
6. You know acai is a 3-syllable word.
Much like OM (A-U-M).
7. You've taken a side in the juicing-versus-blending debate.
Right now you’re Team Smoothie, mostly because you love your Vitamix.
8. You have a researched, reasoned opinion on why you hate agave.
It’s evolved over time. You forget why, exactly, you're currently using honey. But really, sugar addiction by any name—fructose, glucose, whatever—hardly smells sweet. You try to pass.
9. You regularly sign professional emails with “Gratitude” or “Blessings.”
And so does everyone in your world. “Best” gives you shivers.
10. You've had an intuitive massage.
The only disturbing moment was hearing about your past life as a Civil War wife. Who knew? And while we’re on the topic, it’s called bodywork.
11. You can't look at a croissant without seeing inflammation.
Which is too bad, because you used to really enjoy gluten.
12. You have a favorite MC Yogi song.
It’s the one about Gandhi.
13. You own nutritional yeast AND you know what to do with it.
Popcorn and avocado toast are naked without it.
14. Frankly, you’re a little stressed out by corn.
It’s the next gluten …. But…. It’s a gluten-free grain. (AAAAAAAAH!)
15. Before you order in a restaurant, you ask yourself, What would Dr. Frank Lipman say?
And you know the answer: when in doubt, just eat the kale!
16. You’ve had at least one episode in which you walked into a grocery store and had no idea what to buy, because all you saw was a death trap of processed food, pesticides, hormones, sugar, and GMOs.
Gratitude for almond butter.
17. You’ve made peace with the fact that you smell like coconut oil.
What else would you use to cook, moisturize, remove makeup, floss, and fuel your car?
18. You know that six hours of sleep is a FAIL.
That’s why you have a sleep routine, followed with a glass of warm water and lemon in the morning.
19. Off the top of your head, you can name at least six uses for apple cider vinegar.
You call it “ACV.” And you can’t remember much about your toxic life before it.
20. The question you hate most is when someone asks how much you paid for your Vitamix.
It’s just worth it, OK?
Your kitchen and bathroom contain all the same ingredients. In fact, if it weren’t for the shower, you couldn’t tell them apart.
2. You don't set goals, only intentions.
And then you manifest them.
3. You forget, in casual conversation, that not everyone knows what a Vitamix is.
It’s soooo much more than "an expensive blender," but you haven't found a succinct way to say that convincingly.
4. There are no plastic containers in your kitchen—only mason jars.
If we can all agree on one thing, it's that BPA is the worst. Besides, how else would you transport your organic juice?
5. You know at least one person who goes by his spiritual name.
You can’t pronounce it, and he'll always be Dave to you.
6. You know acai is a 3-syllable word.
Much like OM (A-U-M).
7. You've taken a side in the juicing-versus-blending debate.
Right now you’re Team Smoothie, mostly because you love your Vitamix.
8. You have a researched, reasoned opinion on why you hate agave.
It’s evolved over time. You forget why, exactly, you're currently using honey. But really, sugar addiction by any name—fructose, glucose, whatever—hardly smells sweet. You try to pass.
9. You regularly sign professional emails with “Gratitude” or “Blessings.”
And so does everyone in your world. “Best” gives you shivers.
10. You've had an intuitive massage.
The only disturbing moment was hearing about your past life as a Civil War wife. Who knew? And while we’re on the topic, it’s called bodywork.
11. You can't look at a croissant without seeing inflammation.
Which is too bad, because you used to really enjoy gluten.
12. You have a favorite MC Yogi song.
It’s the one about Gandhi.
13. You own nutritional yeast AND you know what to do with it.
Popcorn and avocado toast are naked without it.
14. Frankly, you’re a little stressed out by corn.
It’s the next gluten …. But…. It’s a gluten-free grain. (AAAAAAAAH!)
15. Before you order in a restaurant, you ask yourself, What would Dr. Frank Lipman say?
And you know the answer: when in doubt, just eat the kale!
16. You’ve had at least one episode in which you walked into a grocery store and had no idea what to buy, because all you saw was a death trap of processed food, pesticides, hormones, sugar, and GMOs.
Gratitude for almond butter.
17. You’ve made peace with the fact that you smell like coconut oil.
What else would you use to cook, moisturize, remove makeup, floss, and fuel your car?
18. You know that six hours of sleep is a FAIL.
That’s why you have a sleep routine, followed with a glass of warm water and lemon in the morning.
19. Off the top of your head, you can name at least six uses for apple cider vinegar.
You call it “ACV.” And you can’t remember much about your toxic life before it.
20. The question you hate most is when someone asks how much you paid for your Vitamix.
It’s just worth it, OK?
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
AWESOME FIND TODAY
Research by Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field, suggests that people who have more self-compassion lead healthier, more productive lives than those who are self-critical. Plus, the feelings of security and self-worth provided by self-compassion are highly stable.
Science of Happiness Research
Science of Happiness Research
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
It’s not just a marketing ploy on the part of cereal companies: breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Think about it: your body has just spent (ideally) eight hours sleeping, and your last meal was probably a few hours before bedtime. You’ve had no food or water in almost 12 hours. You’re dehydrated, your blood sugar is low, and as a result, you have no energy. By skipping breakfast in favor of a snooze or getting the kids out the door in time for you to pick up coffee, you’re sabotaging your healthy eating efforts. By the time lunch rolls around, you’re ravenous and more likely to reach for larger portions and unhealthy foods.
Harvard researchers found that kids who skipped breakfast were twice as likely to be depressed, four times more prone to anxiety, and 30 percent more likely to be hyperactive. When those kids started eating breakfast regularly, their levels of depression, anxiety, and hyperactivity all decreased.
Harvard researchers found that kids who skipped breakfast were twice as likely to be depressed, four times more prone to anxiety, and 30 percent more likely to be hyperactive. When those kids started eating breakfast regularly, their levels of depression, anxiety, and hyperactivity all decreased.
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