My music is filled with wisdom, advice, and WARNINGS. You can learn from my pain or from your own. #Options https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T1EZBh-_Ls
-Bizzle
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advice. Show all posts
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Why Empathy Can Sometimes Help More Than Advice
I wanted a magical solution but it didn’t exist. Her empathy and acknowledgement of the challenge was all I needed. Like most advice, we seldom know we need it when we receive it. If it’s truly useful we absorb it and use it without thinking about it.
Remember, when someone calls for personal advice the most valuable thing we can do is acknowledge the situation without judgment and remind them that we care deeply. My mother does it with a Bostonian’s paucity of words. Most of us need to say more.
In an effort to remind myself of this lesson, I have created a simple picture of the old fashion telephone my mother used until very recently. I post the picture in my workspace where I receive the majority of my calls.
It’s there to remind me that most people do not want the instructions on “what to” or “how to” fix their problems, but rather to be reminded we care, are willing to listen and understand that sometimes life’s problems are not easy to solve.
Remember, when someone calls for personal advice the most valuable thing we can do is acknowledge the situation without judgment and remind them that we care deeply. My mother does it with a Bostonian’s paucity of words. Most of us need to say more.
In an effort to remind myself of this lesson, I have created a simple picture of the old fashion telephone my mother used until very recently. I post the picture in my workspace where I receive the majority of my calls.
It’s there to remind me that most people do not want the instructions on “what to” or “how to” fix their problems, but rather to be reminded we care, are willing to listen and understand that sometimes life’s problems are not easy to solve.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
"remember to enjoy stress, enjoy the rush, work my hardest and most enthusiastically in the moment and offload thoughts about managing outcomes (they are already managed by doing the work, it’s extra pain and mental and emotional RAM wasted)"
For staying positive/fulfilled in the longer term, i've come up with a loose system over the last three years or so. For a long time i struggled with whether to deal with negative emotions biologically or emotionally. Couldn't figure out if happiness was about seratonin levels, money and cars, or being one with the universe. As all polar conflicts tend to go, the answer was somewhere in the middle.
I now use a really basic system to understand why and how i feel good and bad and how to change it. There are two important and inseparable aspects of long term happiness: a thriving brain-body, and emotional fulfillment.
1. Biology
You need your biology to feel positive emotions. Your thoughts and feelings can all be boiled down to neurons firing and chemicals moving around. Any time you feel anything good or bad its happening because of your body. You are your body. No matter how happy you should be, if you cant muster up enough seratonin (oversimplification) you'll feel like depressed shit on the street.
Those days or moments when you feel bad for no reason are usually a result of some kind of wackiness in your homeostasis. And even when you can think of ten reasons to feel depressed (especially if they're broad and existential) they can be completely the result of momentary deficiencies in brain and body health. And if there is a real external reason for bad feelings, biology can make it a 1,000 times worse. Imagine the difference between a creditor hounding you for money you don't have after green tea, meditation, and a big healthy breakfast, and a creditor calling you 2/3 of your way into a meth bender (an extreme example to emphasize the point, but the concept is constantly happening on a subtler level.)
BUT, even if your buzzing on a perfect homeostasis, you can still be unhappy, especially in the long run. Thats where emotional fulfillment comes in.
2. Emotional fulfillment
You have emotional needs. Theres tons of theories on how and why they got there (evolution, culture, ideology, god, personality) and how to categorize them (maslow, psychology, love, ego, altruism, selfishness, yada yada) but what matters is that they're there and you need to fulfill them to feel happy.
The best way i've found to quickly and efficiently analyze how to fulfill those needs is best described by what either jake or austin said a couple weeks ago: "how do i feel about what i do?" (Or how will i feel or how am i feeling). Ask that question as often as possible, in reflection on future improvement and during real time decision making and try to answer with as thick and heavy honesty as possible. The better you feel about what you do the more fulfilled you'll be. Its a great way to analyze happiness because it doesn't rely on anything external or out of your control.
It can get complicated when trying to figure out if you should alter what you do or alter how you feel about it. But giving my brain this type of simple straightforward framing makes it MUCH less complicated, and makes the solution usually come easier and faster.
Whats also important to remember is that you almost always think within these types of systems. And the more you think in a particular one the more automatic and default it becomes. So engineering them on purpose and with clear headed intentions can provide a huge amount of positive change for comparably small effort.
For staying positive/fulfilled in the longer term, i've come up with a loose system over the last three years or so. For a long time i struggled with whether to deal with negative emotions biologically or emotionally. Couldn't figure out if happiness was about seratonin levels, money and cars, or being one with the universe. As all polar conflicts tend to go, the answer was somewhere in the middle.
I now use a really basic system to understand why and how i feel good and bad and how to change it. There are two important and inseparable aspects of long term happiness: a thriving brain-body, and emotional fulfillment.
1. Biology
You need your biology to feel positive emotions. Your thoughts and feelings can all be boiled down to neurons firing and chemicals moving around. Any time you feel anything good or bad its happening because of your body. You are your body. No matter how happy you should be, if you cant muster up enough seratonin (oversimplification) you'll feel like depressed shit on the street.
Those days or moments when you feel bad for no reason are usually a result of some kind of wackiness in your homeostasis. And even when you can think of ten reasons to feel depressed (especially if they're broad and existential) they can be completely the result of momentary deficiencies in brain and body health. And if there is a real external reason for bad feelings, biology can make it a 1,000 times worse. Imagine the difference between a creditor hounding you for money you don't have after green tea, meditation, and a big healthy breakfast, and a creditor calling you 2/3 of your way into a meth bender (an extreme example to emphasize the point, but the concept is constantly happening on a subtler level.)
BUT, even if your buzzing on a perfect homeostasis, you can still be unhappy, especially in the long run. Thats where emotional fulfillment comes in.
2. Emotional fulfillment
You have emotional needs. Theres tons of theories on how and why they got there (evolution, culture, ideology, god, personality) and how to categorize them (maslow, psychology, love, ego, altruism, selfishness, yada yada) but what matters is that they're there and you need to fulfill them to feel happy.
The best way i've found to quickly and efficiently analyze how to fulfill those needs is best described by what either jake or austin said a couple weeks ago: "how do i feel about what i do?" (Or how will i feel or how am i feeling). Ask that question as often as possible, in reflection on future improvement and during real time decision making and try to answer with as thick and heavy honesty as possible. The better you feel about what you do the more fulfilled you'll be. Its a great way to analyze happiness because it doesn't rely on anything external or out of your control.
It can get complicated when trying to figure out if you should alter what you do or alter how you feel about it. But giving my brain this type of simple straightforward framing makes it MUCH less complicated, and makes the solution usually come easier and faster.
Whats also important to remember is that you almost always think within these types of systems. And the more you think in a particular one the more automatic and default it becomes. So engineering them on purpose and with clear headed intentions can provide a huge amount of positive change for comparably small effort.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
deep person
Blessed is the man
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.
Psalms 1:1-3
Deep people meditate on what matters most
Deep people know what matters to them. Underneath their job or their friendships or their hobbies lie their values – the things that are most important to them.
Deep people don’t just arrive at these values willy nilly. They don’t simply regurgitate what their parents or their professor or their pastor or some author says, although they do consider their advice.
Deep people earnestly try to understand how the world works, and carefully consider how they orient live their lives in light of that reality.
Deep people are clear on their non-negotiables. They plant themselves next to the water rather than moving with the current. They train themselves to filter decisions and actions through their values. They earn respect and a reputation for integrity because their decisions are consistent.
Deep people are not distracted
Deep people know what they’re trying to do. They don’t let the opinions of others get to them. Their values, and not the changing whims of the crowd, dictate their goals and their steps.
Deep people take council, but are picky about who they listen to. They recognize that the world is full of people who will, with the best of intentions, suggest courses of action that will steer them from their goals and undermine their values.
Deep people ignore scoffers. They know that if they’re doing something worthwhile they will get ridiculed and insulted. They realize that just because someone is loud doesn’t mean they are right.
Deep people understand that life isn’t usually about deciding between good things and bad things, but between good things and best things.
Deep people cultivate strong roots
Deep people cultivate roots that serve them in good times and bad. When success comes their way, they remain grounded and humble. They know that their success is the result of hard work, and are proud of their achievements. But they don’t cling to them – they recognize that their achievements are not who they are, and they aren’t a substitute for their character.
Deep people also know that when adversity comes, they won’t be shaken. Their roots go deep and keep them from being tossed this way and that. Even though the world around them may be crumbling, they have an underground reservoir of strength to draw from.
Deep people communicate confidence and maturity because they can handle problems. They don’t pout or rationalize or give up when things don’t go their way.
Deep people are able to share in other people’s burdens. When friends and loved ones with shallow roots encounter suffering or trouble, deep people are able to provide wise council. They know the right word to say at the right time, know when to admonish and when to build up.
Deep people understand that life has seasons
Deep people recognize that they won’t always be “yielding fruit”. They have seasons in their lives. Daily seasons, weekly seasons, monthly seasons, annual seasons.
Deep people have learned how to deliberately order their lives in a way that recognizes their seasons. They know when to engage in activity and when to rest. They know when they can be available to others and when they should be alone. (Now is the season I am being alone). They are fully present at work but understand when it’s time to put work down.
Are you deep?
Deep people certainly embody more than these traits, but they do not embody less.
Let us resolve to become deep people. People rooted in our values, who live lives consistent with what we believe. People who remain grounded and peaceful in good times and bad. People who can be counted on for advice, encouragement or wisdom.
To be people whose leaves does not wither.
http://www.sean-johnson.com/2011/08/30/how-to-become-a-deep-person/
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
but his delight is in the law of the Lord,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.
Psalms 1:1-3
Deep people meditate on what matters most
Deep people know what matters to them. Underneath their job or their friendships or their hobbies lie their values – the things that are most important to them.
Deep people don’t just arrive at these values willy nilly. They don’t simply regurgitate what their parents or their professor or their pastor or some author says, although they do consider their advice.
Deep people earnestly try to understand how the world works, and carefully consider how they orient live their lives in light of that reality.
Deep people are clear on their non-negotiables. They plant themselves next to the water rather than moving with the current. They train themselves to filter decisions and actions through their values. They earn respect and a reputation for integrity because their decisions are consistent.
Deep people are not distracted
Deep people know what they’re trying to do. They don’t let the opinions of others get to them. Their values, and not the changing whims of the crowd, dictate their goals and their steps.
Deep people take council, but are picky about who they listen to. They recognize that the world is full of people who will, with the best of intentions, suggest courses of action that will steer them from their goals and undermine their values.
Deep people ignore scoffers. They know that if they’re doing something worthwhile they will get ridiculed and insulted. They realize that just because someone is loud doesn’t mean they are right.
Deep people understand that life isn’t usually about deciding between good things and bad things, but between good things and best things.
Deep people cultivate strong roots
Deep people cultivate roots that serve them in good times and bad. When success comes their way, they remain grounded and humble. They know that their success is the result of hard work, and are proud of their achievements. But they don’t cling to them – they recognize that their achievements are not who they are, and they aren’t a substitute for their character.
Deep people also know that when adversity comes, they won’t be shaken. Their roots go deep and keep them from being tossed this way and that. Even though the world around them may be crumbling, they have an underground reservoir of strength to draw from.
Deep people communicate confidence and maturity because they can handle problems. They don’t pout or rationalize or give up when things don’t go their way.
Deep people are able to share in other people’s burdens. When friends and loved ones with shallow roots encounter suffering or trouble, deep people are able to provide wise council. They know the right word to say at the right time, know when to admonish and when to build up.
Deep people understand that life has seasons
Deep people recognize that they won’t always be “yielding fruit”. They have seasons in their lives. Daily seasons, weekly seasons, monthly seasons, annual seasons.
Deep people have learned how to deliberately order their lives in a way that recognizes their seasons. They know when to engage in activity and when to rest. They know when they can be available to others and when they should be alone. (Now is the season I am being alone). They are fully present at work but understand when it’s time to put work down.
Are you deep?
Deep people certainly embody more than these traits, but they do not embody less.
Let us resolve to become deep people. People rooted in our values, who live lives consistent with what we believe. People who remain grounded and peaceful in good times and bad. People who can be counted on for advice, encouragement or wisdom.
To be people whose leaves does not wither.
http://www.sean-johnson.com/2011/08/30/how-to-become-a-deep-person/
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