Releasing Expectations: 4 Ways To Live Your Life for You

Through self-questioning and introspection, we can learn a lot about ourselves, and if (or how much) we are unconsciously making decisions based on others’ expectations. Here are 4 suggestions of ways to do this:

1. Ask yourself, “What are the reasons I want this goal or made this decision?”

Sounds simple, right? Actually, it’s sometimes surprising how little we know about the reasons we’ve made the decisions we have. Dig in a little, be inquisitive, and ask follow-up questions to your initial questions.

2. Take the time to check out whose voice you are hearing in your head when you consider the goal.

The voice may be from a parent, friend, or boss. If it’s not your own, that’s worth some examination.

If, for example, you hear your mother’s voice, you can ask yourself how big of an impact or influence she has on your decision. Once that is clear, you can decide if you’re okay with her having that amount of influence.

3. Ask yourself, how will people close to you feel about your statement of (and completion of) this goal?

If the answer is, “They’ll be thrilled!” check that out. It’s possible they are just happy for you and your choices; it’s also possible there are some parts of you that are overworking to please them.

Similarly, if the answer is, “They’ll hate it!” you can check that out as well. If they’ll hate it because you’re doing what you want to do and it’s not what they want you to do, okay. However, you want to pay attention if you are rebelling simply for the sake of rebelling.

Some of us are pleasers; some are rebellers. They are both totally normal behaviors, and not a problem in and of themselves; the trick is to know when we are doing them.

4. Explore anything you do that doesn’t “feel good.”

If you are working toward a goal and consistently feeling like it’s too difficult, or not worth the outcome, or the sacrifices are too much, or… it’s a good time to re-examine (and maybe re-define) what you want, separate from possible influencers.

To clarify, here’s what I’m not talking about:

We set a goal: we see it out in front of us, and we decide on a plan to get there. There’s a good chance we may not enjoy every single step of the path, and this probably won’t feel good.

This kind of “not feeling good” is natural, and not necessarily a sign of attempting to live up to the expectations of others. It’s simply part of the process of following through with the steps necessary to reach said goal.

A massage therapist may love her work assisting clients; she may even enjoy bookkeeping and marketing, but they laundry. In this example, laundry is just a not-so-pleasant but necessary piece of the picture, and does not deserve much attention.

Now if a massage therapist dislikes working with clients, clearly this is worthy of a deeper exploration.

I recently talked on the phone with an old friend I hadn’t spoken to in about five years. While catching up on life, she told me how she’d started her own business, worked her butt off at it for several years, and recently decided to shut down her website and take a “regular” job.

She was understandably excited about receiving a consistent paycheck again and was pleased with her decision.

Her mother, on the other hand, kept talking about the money and “wasted time” spent on her business. Mom was obviously disappointed in my friend’s decision and didn’t mind expressing it.

Here’s a bit of an email I sent her after we got off the phone:

“You did what you wanted to do, when you wanted to do it, then when you wanted to take another road, you did. You are a fully-realized human being, and that’s your right.”

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/releasing-expectations-4-ways-to-live-your-life-for-you/

HOW TO HELP SOMEONE FEEL LOVED AND UNDERSTOOD

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” ~Ralph Nichols

Love.Time.and.Attention.

Coping

Coping is thus expending conscious effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress or conflict.

Proactive coping - a coping response aims to head off a future stressor.

Coping responses are partly controlled by personality (habitual traits), but also partly by the social context, particularly the nature of the stressful environment.

Hundreds of coping strategies have been identified.[6] Classification of these strategies into a broader architecture has not yet been agreed upon. Common distinctions are often made between various contrasting strategies, for example: problem-focused versus emotion-focused; engagement versus disengagement; cognitive versus behavioral. The psychology textbook by Weiten has provided a useful summary of three broad types of coping strategies:

~ appraisal-focused (adaptive cognitive),
~ problem-focused: Any coping behavior that is directed at reducing or eliminating a stressor, adaptive behavioral
~ emotion-focused: Directed towards changing one's own emotional reaction to a stressor

Appraisal-focused strategies occur when the person modifies the way they think, for example: employing denial, or distancing oneself from the problem. People may alter the way they think about a problem by altering their goals and values, such as by seeing the humor in a situation: "some have suggested that humor may play a greater role as a stress moderator among women than men".

People using problem-focused strategies try to deal with the cause of their problem. They do this by finding out information on the problem and learning new skills to manage the problem. Problem-focused coping is aimed at changing or eliminating the source of the stress.

Emotion-focused strategies involve releasing pent-up emotions, distracting oneself, managing hostile feelings, meditating or using systematic relaxation procedures. Emotion-focused coping "is oriented toward managing the emotions that accompany the perception of stress".

Typically, people use a mixture of all three types of coping strategies, and coping skills will usually change over time. All these methods can prove useful, but some claim that those using problem-focused coping strategies will adjust better to life.[9] Problem-focused coping mechanisms may allow an individual greater perceived control over their problem, whereas emotion-focused coping may sometimes lead to a reduction in perceived control (maladaptive coping).

" Conversation is a journey made of wondering and imagination, not solely facts. "

Endorphins ("endogenous morphine") are endogenous opioid peptides that function as neurotransmitters. They are produced by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus in vertebrates during exercise, excitement, pain, consumption of spicy food, laughter, love and orgasm, and they resemble the opiates in their abilities to produce analgesia and a feeling of well-being.